


Scandal in D-Major: A Comedy in Three Acts

by la_topolina



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Classical Music, Humor, Imperius Curse (Harry Potter), Operas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24656758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/la_topolina/pseuds/la_topolina
Summary: There's a scandal brewing at the Royal Opera, and only Filius Flitwick can stop it!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Scandal in D-Major: A Comedy in Three Acts

**Author's Note:**

> Cast  
> (in order of appearance)
> 
> Mr. Preston: General Manager of the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden
> 
> Mrs. Kent: Member of the Opera Board and Patroness of the Opera
> 
> Mr. Winthorp: Artistic Director of the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden
> 
> Mr. Albert Alby: A director 
> 
> W. A. Mozart: Austrian Composer, an Artist of the First Water
> 
> G. Verdi: Italian Composer 
> 
> R. Strauss: German Composer
> 
> R. Wagner: German Composer
> 
> B. Britten: English Composer
> 
> G. Rossini: Italian Composer
> 
> G Puccini: Italian Composer
> 
> Gilbert and Sullivan: English Librettist and Composer duo
> 
> Filius Flitwick: A wizard and Head of Ravenclaw House
> 
> Penelope: A Ravenclaw student
> 
> Percy: A Gryffindor student

Act I

_Scene—The curtain rises on an darkened stage. The Overture to Le Nozze di Figaro is heard. After a few moments, lights come up on a lush conference room. A large, polished wood table surrounded by leather-covered chairs dominates the scene; the seal of the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden is emblazoned on the sides of the table. The walls of the room are hung with exquisitely life-like portraits of famous composers. Three men and one woman are gathered at the table, which is stacked with papers, pens, and the remains of a hearty tea. It would appear from the placement of the cups and plates that several more people were lately in attendance of this meeting. Two of the men are dressed in well-cut business suits (Mr. Preston and Mr. Winthrop); the third is wearing tight jeans (Mr. Alby), a black t-shirt, and a lime green scarf. The woman (Mrs. Kent) is dressed in a black wrap dress and many strands of pearls._

Mr. Preston: Mrs. Kent, I’m glad that _you_ at least are a visionary, unlike the rest of the board. Shocking display, really.

Mrs. Kent: Quite. 

Mr. Winthorp: I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years in the business. To walk out during negotiations with such a prestigious director—shocking is the least word to describe it.

Mrs. Kent: I always thought that it was the sort of thing Beatrice would do. You know that she _must_ have her own way, and she only likes productions that look like all the ones we’ve seen before. 

Mr. Preston: I am dreadfully sorry Mr. Alby. I want you to know that you have the absolute backing of everyone left in this room and, if the other members of the board wish to resign so rashly, I am certain that they will find that their seats have been taken by other, more worthy people.

Mr. Alby: Not at all, not at all. It’s the sort of thing we artists must endure. Often those with the means lack the ability to see the future. But we are fortunate to have such a fine visionary as you, Mrs. Kent. ( _He inclines his head to her_ ) Indeed, I do not know where this project would be without you.

Mrs. Kent: ( _Simpering_ ) Oh, please call me Sophia, Mr. Alby. 

Mr. Alby: ( _With a dazzling smile_ ) Only if you will call me Albert.

Mrs. Kent: Well, _Albert_ , I must say that the good fortune is all on our side. Your patience with my less enlightened peers and willingness to persevere after such scandalous accusations and criminal insults is something I will never forget. This new production of Figaro will set the opera world on fire. It will remind everyone that Covent Garden is on the cutting edge, where she belongs. Why, when I think that you have already been employed by the Met and the Lyric in America, when we have not had the pleasure of seeing your work here, it makes my blood boil. ( _Glares at Mr. Preston and Mr. Winthorp_ )

Mr. Preston: ( _Placating_ ) Now Mrs. Kent, you do realize that we have been trying to gain a spot in Mr. Alby’s busy schedule for years. 

Mrs. Kent: Yes, yes, so you keep telling me. It’s no excuse for letting those…those damned Yankees get ahold of him before us. Those houses in America are nothing!

Mr. Winthorp: ( _Muttering_ ) I wouldn’t call the Met nothing.

Mrs. Kent: ( _Gesturing impatiently_ ) Oh, I suppose the Met _is_ something. But the Lyric, where is that theatre even located? Texas?

Mr. Winthorp: Chicago, I think.

Mrs. Kent: Texas, Chicago, cow towns, all of them. 

Mr. Winthorp: ( _Still muttering_ ) Texas is a…

Mr. Preston: ( _Kicking Mr. Winthorp under the table_ ) What do you say we all go to dinner? Then Mr. Winthorp and I can finish the contracts, and we can assemble tomorrow morning to finalize everything.

Mr. Winthorp: Excellent idea. Anything in particular you’re in the mood for, Albert?

Mr. Alby: That depends. Are you buying?

Mr. Winthorp: ( _Laughing_ ) The Frog it is. Shall we?

( _There is a bustle of movement and polite nothings as they gather hats, papers, and bags and exit the stage. Main lights dim, and the lights along the wall come up. The figure in each portrait is moving now, busy at composing or reading or whatever task suits him best. A well-known figure in the center stage portrait throws down his quill and stands up, glaring out into the room in disgust._ )

W. A. Mozart: This is a disaster! This is a catastrophe! This is a scandal not to be borne!

G. Verdi: Herr Mozart, do stop shouting, you are making me forget the tune that just came into my head. ( _Hums as he continues to write_ )

R. Strauss: ( _Sympathetically_ ) I’m afraid you’ll have to bear it, dear Wolfgang. 

W. A. Mozart: I will not bear it! It will never come to pass. Did you hear what that…that…that charlatan wishes to do to my opera?

R. Wagner: ( _With malicious pleasure_ ) Yes, of course. We all did, didn’t we? I must say, I hope that they take care with the soprano they hire for the role of the Countess. We’ll be seeing quite a lot of her, won’t we?

W. A. Mozart: ( _Shouting_ ) It will not be borne! ( _He starts pacing the confines of his picture frame_ ) It will never come to pass, not if I have anything to do with it.

R. Strauss: Wolfgang, have a drink. There’s nothing any of us can do about it. You know what they did in Munich a few years ago to my _Ariadne_ , don’t you? Performed the whole dratted thing out of order. Act two and then Act one, as though that made any damned sense.

G. Rossini: Herr Strauss, you will forgive my saying so, but your _Ariadne_ makes no sense no matter what order the acts are performed.

B. Britten: Perhaps they should have performed them simultaneously.

R. Strauss: Signore Rossini, I will forgive your saying so. I do realize that only a certain kind of mind will appreciate my little goddess.

G. Rossini: ( _Aside_ ) A deranged one.

R. Strauss: I beg your pardon?

G. Rossini: I said, an educated one.

R. Wagner: ( _Condescending_ ) Really, Herr Mozart, you should not be surprised that it is your turn to have your works despoiled. It is a sign of the times. When I think of what is being done to my masterpieces even now, and in my own theatre, my own Bayreuth…( _He wipes his eyes with his handkerchief and goes on in a choked voice_ ) Well, you will understand if I do not show you any sympathy. You know what happened the last time Covent Garden performed my _Meistersinger_. 

W. A. Mozart: ( _Impatiently_ ) Yes, yes. All done up like some American television show.

R. Wagner: ( _Dramatically_ ) And by my own great-granddaughter!

G. Puccini: ( _Sadly_ ) It is a sign of the times. Alas, not one of us can defend our work from the hands of these iconoclasts. Perhaps it is for the best that we do not have to see them befouled on the stage. We only have to hear about the preparations and the aftermath. 

G. Verdi: The aftermath?! The aftermath is the opera loses money, and then they wonder why, and then they schedule another little Gilbert and Sullivan ditty.

Gilbert and Sullivan: ( _Angrily_ ) Now see here….

G. Rossini: ( _Interrupting_ ) Or worse—one of those damned American musicals! Face it, Herr Mozart, we are all doomed.

W. A Mozart: ( _Incredulous_ ) Are all of you so unmanned that you would accept this treatment without a fight?

R. Strauss: I’m sorry Wolfgang, but we are, after all, dead. What do you prepose we do?

W. A. Mozart: ( _Darkly_ ) Nothing. Nothing at all. ( _He paces a few moments more and then stops—An idea! An epiphany!—He goes on excitedly_ ) No, I don’t expect you to do anything. I shall do it! Ha! 

R. Strauss: ( _Concerned_ ) What are you going to do?

W. A. Mozart: ( _He walks around his picture in great agitation, gathering his coat and shoving his arms into the sleeves_ ) What am I going to do? What I should have thought to do as soon as this blasted business started. ( _He exists his picture frame and can be seen no more. The other portraits exclaim in surprise_ )

R. Strauss: Wolfgang! Where are you going?

W. A. Mozart: ( _From off-stage_ ) To see my cousin!

( _Black out. Curtain falls._ )

Act II

_At curtain rise we see a spacious room at Hogwarts. The stone walls are hung with framed musical scores. Along with the various magical paraphernalia stands a grand piano, along with a number of musical instruments in their cases. A choir of students stands in a semi-circle around a podium. Professor Filius Flitwick is at the helm, conducting the students in a lovely rendition of Mozart’s ‘Abendruhe’. Among the framed music on the walls is a portrait of Mozart himself. This copy is sitting at a desk, sleeping quietly._

F. Flitwick: ( _After the choir finishes the song_ ) Excellent! Very nice work today. Tenors, please keep on top of the beat and Sopranos, please do listen to the Basses, they are right I am afraid. Other than that, very nicely done. That will be all. You may return to your common rooms and I shall see you back here after dinner tomorrow.

( _There is a general bustle of students gathering items and crowding out of the room. Flitwick is approached by Penelope and Percy_ )

Penelope: Professor Flitwick.

F. Flitwick: Yes? 

Penelope: I just wanted to say thank you. I like that piece so much. It’s by a Muggle, right? 

F. Flitwick: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, yes. And we will have the pleasure of hearing one of his operas in the spring. 

Penelope: ( _Very excited_ ) Really! Oh, I can’t wait. Won’t that be wonderful, Percy?

Percy: ( _Dubious, but trying to fake it_ ) Yes. Wonderful. 

F. Flitwick: But you must keep your marks up. I only take the top students to the opera house.

Penelope: We will, sir! Good night sir. ( _She drags Percy off with her_ ) 

( _Flitwick begins tidying the room, humming ‘Abendruhe’ to himself. W. A. Mozart—the Mozart from the portrait in the conference room—appears next to the sleeping Mozart in the portrait in the choir room. W. A. Mozart gives the sleeping Mozart a once over, and is distracted momentarily by the score that the sleeping Mozart is working on. W. A. Mozart takes up a quill and begins to make notes on the score. Then he shakes himself, remembering his business, drops the quill, and glances around the room. When his eyes fall on Flitwick, he clears his throat loudly._ )

W. A. Mozart: Cousin Filius! Well met. How do you do this fine evening?

F. Flitwick: (T _urns suddenly, knocking over a music stand in the process, but he smiles when he sees the portrait addressing him_ ) Why Cousin Wolfgang! To what do I owe the honor of this visit? ( _He flicks his wand to put the music stand to rights and call a chair to his podium. When the chair is in place he sits and gestures for W. A. Mozart to do the same_ )

W. A. Mozart: ( _Taking a vacant chair in the painting_ ) Cousin Filius, I must beg your assistance with a grave matter of the utmost importance. A scandal of astronomical proportions is occurring at the Royal Opera House even as we speak.

F. Flitwick: ( _Concerned_ ) What has happened?

W. A. Mozart: That damned harpy on the opera board…

F. Flitwick: Mrs. Kent?

W. A. Mozart: ( _Nodding vehemently_ ) The very one, she and her stooges, the Artistic Director and the General Manager are a hair’s breadth away from hiring that most notorious of directors, Mr. Alby, to have charge of this season’s performance of Le Nozze di Figaro!

F. Flitwick: ( _Sitting back aghast_ ) No! Say it isn’t so!

W. A. Mozart: It is indeed so. ( _He stands and begins pacing the confines of the picture frame in great agitation, from time to time tripping over the foot of the sleeping Mozart_ ) Mr. Alby is in fine form with his so-called vision of my beloved masterpiece. The bulk of the opera is to be set in a public water closet, complete with working toilets. Members of the chorus will be walking on and off stage at all times doing their…business. Cherubino is to be portrayed by a trained dog and some poor sap of a singer will be hired to sing the role offstage. The Count will be wearing roller skates for the duration of the performance. The Countess will sing the majority of her role in the nude while standing on her head. Susanna will…

F. Flitwick: ( _Interrupting_ ) Peace cousin! I don’t think I care to hear any more of the details. ( _He stands and begins pacing as well, wringing his hands as he thinks)_ Dear, dear, dear, this is intolerable. But what to do?

W. A. Mozart: ( _Impatiently_ ) Magic, of course! Can’t you simply wave that wand of yours and fix all of this?

F. Flitwick: ( _Still thinkin_ g) I’m afraid it is not quite so simple as all that. It is a very delicate situation and I am not sure exactly…

W. A. Mozart: ( _Falling to his knees_ ) Please, dear cousin! Who else is there to help me in this dark hour? Please do not abandon me!

F. Flitwick: ( _Smiling kindly up at the picture_ ) There, there, dear Wolfgang. Do not despair. I will do everything in my power to help you, but I must think. Give me but a few days and…

W. A. Mozart: ( _Wailing_ ) A few days?! They will sign the contract tomorrow morning!

F. Flitwick: ( _Still calm_ ) That is less time to prepare than I would have hoped for, but I will do my best. 

W. A. Mozart: ( _Hopefully_ ) I have every faith in you. Thank you, dear Cousin. I will leave you to think. ( _He bows and exits_ ).

F. Flitwick: ( _He pulls out a pipe and paces as he lights it_ ) Now, what to do? What to do? ( _As he paces, ideas slowly come together until at last he stops center stage and says triumphantly_ ) Aha! I’ve got it. The very thing.

( _Black out. Curtain._ )

Act III

_The conference room from scene one, this time set slightly to Stage Right of Center. The lights come up on staff members busily setting the conference table with coffee, tea, and muffin. When all is ready, the staff members exit. The portraits all begin moving and talking excitedly._

W. A. Mozart: He’ll be here. I know he will.

R. Wagner: May you be as fortunate with your relations as I have been with mine.

R. Strauss: Of course he will, Wolfgang. If he is a cousin of yours he must be a man of his word.

R. Wagner: ( _Snorting_ ) Ha! Herr Mozart a man of his word!

W. A. Mozart: What would you know about being a man of your word, Herr Wagner? How many debts did you run out on?

R. Wagner: Better than dying a pauper like you did.

W. A. Mozart: I assure you, I would rather have died the way I did than live the way you did, my dear Lolette. At least my music could stand on it’s own without having to go to bed with a mad king in order to be heard!

R. Wagner: ( _Sputtering_ ) Du Blockfloetengesicht! ( _He storms into R. Strauss’s portrait next to him. Strauss makes an effort to restrain him. Suddenly voices are heard off stage. Though still enraged, Wagner returns to his portrait. Mozart thumbs his nose at him before all portraits freeze just as the door opens, admitting Mr. Winthorp, Mr. Preston, Mr. Alby, and F. Flitwick who is dressed in a handsome Muggle business-suit. They seat themselves as they continue talking._ )

F. Flitwick: Thank you for taking time from your busy schedules to meet with me this morning.

Mr. Winthorp: No thank _you_ for your time, Mr. Flitwick. We are delighted that you have taken an interest in our little endeavor here.

F. Flitwick: Tosh, no need for false modesty. Covent Garden is at the forefront of the opera world and has a responsibility to uphold its lofty standards of excellence. Those of us with the means must do what we can to ensure that those of you with the talent can do your best job at bringing these musical masterpieces to life.

Mr. Preston: Brilliantly put, Mr. Flitwick. And please allow me to introduce you to Mr. Albert Alby, our director for this year’s _Le Nozze di Figaro_.

( _Mr. Alby extends his hand limply to Filius, who shakes it with a firmness that makes Mr. Alby flinch and withdraw._ )

F. Flitwick: How do you do, Mr. Alby. Your reputation proceeds you.

Mr. Alby: ( _Bored_ ) Charmed.

Mr. Winthorp: ( _Embarrassed by Mr. Alby’s behavior_ ) Mr. Flitwick, I believe that you mentioned that you are particularly interested in sponsoring Figaro.

( _Mr. Alby sighs, but makes an effort to appear interested now that money is on the table_ )

F. Flitwick: Yes, Mozart is something of a family obsession. I am always interested to help his works come to life on the stage. ( _Pulls a slim volume from his jacket pocket and slides it across the table to Mr. Alby._ ) I would be especially eager to assist if the production were to be something along these lines. For sentimental reasons, you understand.

( _Mr. Alby sneers at the book. Mr. Preston picks it up._ )

Mr. Preston: ( _Flipping through the book without looking at it_ ) Understandable, of course, sentimental reasons and all. I’m sure you can work some of these ideas into your vision, can’t you Albert?

Mr. Alby: ( _Picking the book up as though it were a dead rat and flipping through it using only the tips of his fingers_ ) Absolutely not! It is out of the question. This is as bad as the most insipid Zeffirelli production I ever had the misfortune to witness. ( _Returning the book_ ) I am an artist, Mr. Flitwick. I will thank you to let me do my job.

F. Flitwick: That is too bad. ( _Taking the book and putting it in his pocket_ ) And I was so eager to be a part of this production.

Mr. Preston: ( _Trying to smooth things over_ ) And we equally as eager to have you on board. ( _Pointedly to Mr. Alby_ ) Especially since our dear Mrs. Kent has mysteriously had to withdraw her support. 

Mr. Winthorp: ( _Also trying to smooth things over_ ) Mr. Flitwick, have you seen any of Mr. Alby’s previous productions? He’s one of the most accomplished directors working in opera today. We were lucky to engage him this season at all.

Mr. Alby: ( _Attempting to control his temper_ ) And I am known for pushing boundaries, Mr. Flitwick. I have a re-pu-ta-tion to uphold. If I produce something the like of that…pastiche, people would wonder if I were growing stale. A stale director is soon an unemployed director. You see my difficulty.

F Flitwick: ( _Sadly_ ) I do. You are unwilling to compromise, and so am I. Again, it is a shame, but we appear to be at an impasse. ( _Rises and heads towards the door_ ) Thank you, gentlemen. I am sorry we were not able to come to a better understanding. I wish you the best of luck.

Mr. Winthorp: ( _Quickly rising to meet Flitwick at the door and entreating_ ) Now, now, now, Mr. Flitwick, let’s not be so hasty. Mr. Alby, we all have the utmost respect for you and your artistry, but surely, this one time, you could find it in your heart to accommodate Mr. Flitwick, in light of his extremely generous offer. 

Mr. Alby: ( _Stands, indignant_ ) I am an artist! I will not be dictated to by runty patrons—no matter how rich!

F. Flitwick: ( _In a dangerously quiet voice_ ) Runty?

Mr. Winthorp: Mr. Flitwick…

Mr. Preston: ( _Simultaneously_ ) Mr. Alby

F. Flitwick: ( _Quickly drawing his wand_ ): Confudus. ( _Mr. Winthorp and Mr. Preston stop talking and stare at Flitwick, confused_ ) Gentlemen, I believe you were heading back to your offices to retrieve the necessary items you forgot there.

Mr. Winthorp: ( _Dazed_ ) Silly me…

Mr. Preston: ( _Also dazed_ ) How could I forget…

( _They exit. Flitwick turns to Mr. Alby and waves his wand again._ )

F. Flitwick: Imperio. ( _Mr. Alby blinks and sits back in his chair, completely docile_ ) Where were we? Ah yes. Mr. Alby, I believe you were about to say that you are tired of creating outlandish and iconoclastic productions.

Mr. Alby: ( _Dazed_ ) Yes. Of course. I am tired of it. 

F. Flitwick: They are stale and dull.

Mr. Alby: Stale and dull.

F. Flitwick: The vanguard now is to produce beautiful, grand productions, bringing back the best of the golden age and marrying it to the modern, discerning taste. To wit, you wish to use this book as your guide. ( _He hands the book to Mr. Alby_ )

Mr. Alby: Capital! I was repeating myself—mustn’t do that. This is just the thing.

F. Flitwick: You are ready to sign the contract now, are you not? ( _He produces the contract and hands it to Mr. Alby_ )

Mr. Alby: ( _Eagerly_ ) By all means. 

( _Mr. Alby signs and Flitwick follows suit. The portraits burst into spontanius applause, except for R. Wagner who is ignoring the rest and reading the paper. Mr. Alby is rapturously studying the book and takes no notice._ )

R. Strauss: I say, I don’t suppose you could come back and do that for the rest of us, could you?

( _Throughout this section the lights slowly dim on the conference room and rise on a sumptuous production of the Act IV Finale of Figaro being performed Stage Left, beginning with the Count’s “Contessa, perdono!…”_ )

F. Flitwick: ( _Smiling sadly_ ) I’m afraid not. Making a habit of using such force could cause…many difficulties. I would not have done so today, but time was of the essence.

W. A. Mozart: ( _With emotion_ ) Cousin Filius, how can I ever thank you? I am sorry to have put you to so much trouble and I hope you have not beggared yourself on my account. 

F. Flitwick: Not to worry, Cousin Wolfgang. I have another cousin—on the Flitwick side rather than the Mozart—who was all too happy to put up the funds for this endeavor. 

W. A. Mozart: But surely there must be something I can do for you.

F. Flitwick: Nothing at all is necessary. ( _Pauses_ ) But if you were to be so moved as to write a little something for my choir at Hogwarts, the students and I would be eternally grateful.

W. A. Mozart: ( _Brightly_ ) Of course! Why didn’t I think of that myself? ( _He sits down at the piano and begins scribbling on some staff paper there_ )

F. Flitwick: ( _Looking around at the solemn portraits_ ) Perhaps the rest of you might find that you have other sympathetic family members as well? ( _Wagner scoffs loudly and mutters to himself as he continues to read_ ) Aurora would love to hear from you, Signore Verdi, and I know that she is as concerned as I am about the state of the theatre. We often bring students here together.

G. Verdi: ( _With his hand over his heart_ ) Ah, Cousin Aurora! It has been too long. I shall call on her at once. ( _He hurries away_ )

R. Wagner: ( _From behind his paper_ ) Bah! It is only a matter of time before all of this is torn down by the buffoons like that Herr Alby who believe that they know better than we who wrote these operas. 

R. Strauss: As much as I hate to admit it, Herr Wagner has a point.

W. A. Mozart: ( _Glancing up from his new composition_ ) Perhaps he does. ( _He looks back down to his score_ ) But, to those with ears to hear, our music will speak for itself.

_Black out on the conference room, spot lights on the performance of Figaro which plays out from “Ed al suon di lieta marcia…” to the end._

Curtain

**Author's Note:**

> Le Nozze di Figaro, or, The Marriage of Figaro is one of Mozart’s most famous operas.
> 
> Mr. Alby subscribes to the Regietheater school of directing. This so-called director’s theater involves completely ignoring the score and the libretto of the opera in question, along with the dignity of the singers employed, in favor of the ‘vision’ of the director in charge of the production.
> 
> The television show that Mozart refers to as the inspiration for Katharina Wagner’s production of Meistersinger is American Idol.
> 
> Wagner’s work was passionately supported by King Ludwig II of Bavaria. When Wagner persuaded Ludwig to build him his own theatre, critics started referring to the composer as Lolette, and questioning the nature of his relationship to Ludwig. 
> 
> To be fair, Wagner did have a history of skipping town when his debts were too cumbersome.
> 
> Du Blockfloetengesicht = You recorder-face! Many thanks to Bunbury (Jane) for providing me with this delightful insult.
> 
> Please note that this is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Maybe. ;)


End file.
